Hairy Pawter and the Mystical Moonstone
by Bumblekat
Summary: Yeah... What can I say? The product of randomness, writer's block, and an unhealthy cat obsession. It's a parody for a reason. Character deaths/competence is ignored in this story. This does not make sense.
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone…

**Starfall: Oh, wait, that's not right… Never mind, I own it anyways!**

**J.K. Rowling: Actually, no, I do. I do believe that, as a cat, you don't even own yourself. You're simply part of Bumblekat's imagination.**

**Star: Ouch. That hurts. Okay, so I don't own Harry Potter. Hm, what about…**

Warriors; Into the Wild…

**Star: No, no, I may own that one, but it just doesn't fit.**

**Erin Hunter(s): No, we do! Get your own title, plagiarist!**

**Star: Fine, I don't own Warriors either. Happy now? Oh, I know!**

Hairy Pawter and the Mystical Moonstone

**Star: Well, it's not perfect, but it'll do! As the ****very hurtful**** female authors have above pointed out, I don't own half the plot, or any of the characters. No, just my crazy random brain…**

**Cast: (Note: This story will be organized like a script. Don't like, don't read. Anyways, they'll all be addressed by the first part of their warrior name in the script, but will call each other by their Hairy Pawter names in the story. ****This is a parody for a reason.**** Only characters from Sorcerer's Stone will be used. Character deaths are not acknowledged.)**

**Baby Hairy: Molepaw**

**Real Hairy: Lionblaze**

**Ron: Tigerheart (Written 'Tigerh.' in script)**

**Hermione: Dovewing**

**Malfoy: Berrynose**

**McGonagall: Mousefur**

**Dumbledore: Purdy**

**Crabbe: Breezepelt**

**Goyle: Smokefoot**

**Neville: Ravenpaw**

**Uncle Fernon: Darkstripe**

**Aunt Petunia: Fernpelt**

**Mudley: Cloudtail**

**Hagrid: Barley**

**Fred: Squirrelflight**

**George: Leafpool**

**Pansy: Ivypool**

**Ginny: Cinderheart**

**Lily: Sandstorm**

**James: Firestar**

**Sirius: Graystripe**

**Snape: Dustpelt (He used to hate Firestar and probably used to like Sandstorm on some level, thus the allegiance after he discovers Fernpelt.)**

**Flitwick: Daisy**

**Quirrel: Crowfeather (I don't know why)**

**Voldemort: Tigerstar (Written as 'Tigers.' in the script)**

**Pizza guy: Mousewhisker (Down as Pizza guy)**

**Enjoy!**

***Curtain opens***

**Sand:** James! It's… _him!_ He's here!

**Fire: **Take Hairy and run. I'll hold him off. Lily, I loveth thee!

**Sand:** *Gives confused look. Decides to stick to the script* No, he'll kill you!

**Fire: **Find thy trust in me and flee, fair Lily!

**Sand:***Clearly thinking he needs to be knocked out and taken to a mental institution. Picks up 'Baby Hairy' and runs off stage*

**Tigers.: ***Struggles to read small print on script. Today was a bad day to forget his contacts in the Dark Forest* Alehomaro? *Door turns invisible* Yay! *Runs into the door. Receives a concussion* OW!

**Aeolus:** Yay! Someone watches the Olympian Weather Channel!

**Tigers.: **No, I ran into a door.

**Aeolus: **Dang it!

**Star: ***Clearly feeling strained by the inability of the characters to be competent* Tigerstar, its Alohemora. Aeolus, just- Just leave. No one watches your stupid show.

**Aeolus: ***Clearly ticked off, yet still complies*

**Tigers.: **Ooooooooh! *Pulls out big, thick, plastic-rimmed backup glasses. Reads script and does spell correctly* James Pawter, prepare to face thy doom!

**Fire:** *Jolts awake* Wha-? *Sees glasses* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! W-WHAT'S ON YOUR FACE? *takes picture on iPhone from nowhere*

**Tigers.: **Shut thy vile muzzle.

**Fire:** Yes, let us duel! Sectumsempra!

**Tigers.: **Ouch! You cut my face! Now my glasses don't work, you jerkhead!

**Fire: **Good. I just can't take you seriously with those things on your face. Hold on, I took a picture- Let me post it to Facebook… *Begins typing furiously*

**Tigers.:** Avada Kevara?

**Fire: ***Is dumped in warm, liquefied cheese*

**Star: ***Looks like she's experiencing migraine symptoms* Tigerstar?

**Tigers.: **Yes?

**Star: **IT'S AVADA KEDAVRA, YOU MORONIC IMBICLE!

**Tigers.: **Oh… *Does spell correctly*

**Fire: ***Impersonates French Fry and drags self slowly off stage*

**Tigers.: **Yay! *Eats a block of cheese*

**Sand:** What is it with you and cheese?

**Tigers.: **I don't know. I don't control the laptop.

**All:** *Turn to Starfall with questioning faces*

**Star: ***Shrugs*

**Tigers.: **Now, puny she-cat, stand aside and you may continue your miserable life.

**Sand: **Never!

**Tigers.: **Well, it was nice knowing you! *Does spell*

**Mole:** Ah! Mama!

**Tigers.: **Bye, little guy!

**Mole: **I don't think so, jerkhead! I know karate! *Beats up Voldemort while said dark wizard screeches like a newborn kit*

**Tigers.: **Gah! *Is destroyed*

**Gray: **No, no, NO! James… Lily… my… my best friend… he's g-gone…

**Barley:** Ther', ther', Sirius. I kno' yer sad, bu' we gotta keep on fightin' for 'em. I's what they'd wan', yer kno' tha'.

**Mole:** Uncle Sirius?

**Gray: **You should take him, Hagrid.

**Barley: '**s why I'm 'ere. Dum'ledore tol' me ter get 'im. * 'Hairy' falls asleep, 'Hagrid' borrows 'Sirius' bike, and 'Sirius' leaves, crying slightly*

*Meanwhile, at the Purrsley's*

**Pizza guy: **Uh, I have a delivery for the Purrsleys?

**Dark: ***Swears* Leave it on the step.

**Pizza guy:** But, sir, how will you pay me?

**Dark: ***Curses loudly* Fine! *Takes pizza and pays*

**Pizza guy: **Thank you sir. Have a nice- *checks watch, sees it's about 1:00 A.M.*- morning.

**Dark: ***Insert the Elder Swear here. If you don't know it, look up 'Wizard Swears' on YouTube. It'll come up*

**Pizza guy: **I think my ears just died…

**Dark: ***Sings Beat It by Michael Jackson. Badly*

**Pizza guy:** *Effectively traumatized*

**Mole: ***Appears out of thin air with a bag of potato chips* Hello!

**Dark: **Argggghhhhhh!

**Mole: **Why are you acting like a pirate? I signed up for a wizard movie!

**Dark: **You're my bratty little nephew, aren't you?

**Mole: **If I am, I'm ashamed to be related to you.

**Dark:** *Looks very mad* Ye infernal, puny kit, stopith thy tongue in it's flapping!

**Mole:** Uh, whaaaaaaaaat?

**Dark:** SHUT UP, YOU IRRITATING NUISANCE!

**Mole: **No thanks. Talking is just so fun…

*Curtain closes. The first act is complete.*

**Star: Okay, so it's **_**really**_** not perfect. Whatever. I won't beg for reviews, but if you have something to say, go ahead and say it. Flames will be used to roast marshmallows, and to give heat and light to those who need it.**

**Fire: Wow, how nice!**

**Dr. Cox: And that is why I call you names like Carol, Jane and Sue, like Moesha, Kim, and Lily, and Susanna Betty Lou. You see, regardless of the names I think my feelings are quite clear, you're a pain on every day of every month of every year.**

**Music Lady: Dr. Cox, you gotta help me because I really am distressed, can't you find another option, won't you run another test?**

**Dr. Cox: If you want some kind of favor, really, any kind of favor, please just get me peace and quiet from this God-Forsaken pest!**

**J.D. : I think what my bumper buddy is trying to say-**

**M.L. : SHUT YOUR CAKEHOLE, MARY BETH, OR I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL SHUT IT SOON!**

**J.D. : …**

**Dr. Cox: Congratulations, we'll schedule your test this afternoon. *shakes hands with Music Lady and walks away***

**Star: *Sneaks out back door while Scrubs' "My Musical" rehearsals go on* Oops, forgot I rented out the theater. Whatever. I'll update soon, I promise!**


	2. Chapter 2

Hairy Pawter chap. 2

**Starfall: Hey, I'm back! Thank you, Lunastar of moonclan and T-Striker for the glorious reviews, and to my mom, for proofreading this for me! Also, a huge shout out to a certain friend of mine from Chorus - Abby! Thanks for looking me up! Now Rose, do the disclaimer!**

**Rose: Not cool, Bumblekat! I was in the middle of a Quiddich game!**

**Star: Faster you do this, the sooner you get back to your game.**

**Rose: *Sighs* Fine. Bumblekat owns nothing except her annoying cat Starfall and her laptop. Can I go now?**

**Bumblekat: Let her go, Star, or I'll lock you in a room with Frankenkitty. *Breaks the fourth wall* That's what we call a really stupid cat of ours who's gotten stitches twice.**

**Star: *Shudders* Fine.**

**Enjoy!**

**See chapter one for cast listings.**

*Curtain opens; 'Hairy' sits on a suitcase center stage. He has 'Voldemort's' old glasses and a lightning bolt has been drawn with a red marker on his forehead*

**Lion:** *Sings* Underneath these stairs, I see the sneers and feel the glares of my-

**Star: **Lionblaze, that's the lyrics you printed for 'A Very Potter Musical'! Here, Mousewhisker has the spares.

**Mouse:** *Hands a spare script wordlessly, gives dirty look*

**Lion:** Thanks, dude! *Is completely unaware of the two holes the glare burnt into his forehead. Puts a sheet on the suitcase and lays down, feigning sleep*

**Fern:** *Stalks onto the stage, angry as all heck. Punches 'Hairy' in the face and walks out* WAKE UP!

**Lion: *** Actually fell asleep and was snoring. Sits up and rubs forehead* Ow. I _really __**hate**_ Muddley's birthday. It stinks, and-ow!- hurts, too!

**Fern:** SHUT UP AND GET DOWN HERE AND COOK THE MICE AND CRAP LIKE THAT!

**Lion: ***Mumbles* Got it, Turkey Jerky.*Rereads script*

**Dark: **GET DOWN HERE, BOY!

**Cloud: **So I have to act all rude and jerk-fishy? COOL! *Snaps into character when he sees he's on camera* I mean, MUM! THE BOY IS STALLING! I WANT AN OOMPA LOOMPA **NOW**! *Slams fists into table, snaps it in half* Oh, and mice too…

**Star: ***Sweat drops* Maybe he does this a little too well...

**Fern: **BOY, COOK THE MICE, FIX THE TABLE, GENETICALLY ENGINEER AN OOMPA LOOMPA, AND GET THEMAIL, YOU PRUNE!

**Lion: ***Does said actions, slipping the letter to him into his pocket because he's smarter than Harry was at eleven* anything else, Ye Olde Aunte Petunia?

**Fern: **NO! I'M NOT OLD! GOT TO THINE STAIR CUPBOARD!

**Lion: **Got it, Fanny Granny! *Runs away before she yells more. Reads letter* I'm a wizard? Since when?

**Barley: **Since ever. I'm Hagrid, Keeper o' Keys an' groun's a' Hogwarts.

**Lion: ***Snickers* Seriously? As in the warts on a pig?

**Barley: **Yea, wa's wrong wi' tha'?

**Lion:** *Laughs his furry butt off* Really? Wait, how'd you get in here, anyways?

**Purdy:** He Apparated.

**Lion:** Whoa, whoa, whoa, too many people in here! This cupboard is really too small for this.

**Purdy:** *Looks around, evidently realizing where they are* Hey Tuney, give Hairy a real room or I'll give you a stern look!

**Fern:** Oh, hey Bumblesnore! Great to see you. And yeah, the boy can have Mudley's second bedroom.

**Lion:** Wait, you know this weird, old, creepy, crumbling, old, elderly, wise, old cat? Since when?

**Fern:** Oh, just since I sent him a letter asking to be magical. NOW BOY, GO DO LAUNDRY AND LEAVE FOR AN UNDEFINED PERIOD OF TIME! *Vanishes in a cloud of orange fuzz*

**Lion:** *Is confused* Uh, okaaaaaaay… I'm officially weirded out… And I want a Redvine.

**Tigerh.:** Did somebody say Ron Weasely?

**Lion:** No, I said Redvines. Anyways, who the hedge are you?

**Tigerh.:** *whispers* Dude, it's me! Tigerheart! I'm not really a Twoleg, I'm just pretending!

**Lion:** Wow, you're stupid. I meant in the play, dumb#&$.

**Star:** Ahem. I do believe this has nothing to do with donkeys, Lionblaze.

**Lion:** *Rereads script* Whatever. Hey, do you want to get some shwarma later?

**Tigerh.: **Eh, sure. Shadowclan's boring these days… Anyways, Hairy, I conveniently have all your crap that you'll need for school with me, and we somehow got transported to a train station at some point…

**Lion:** *Looks up from script* Huh, I guess you're right… Weird, but cool.

**Dove:** *Walks up* Your muzzle is covered in mud and I'm obnoxious. I'm going to follow you around, even though I could find better people to hang out with anyone else and they'd be friends with me. I can talk really fast, a lot. I want a bagel. HAHA zombie!

**Tigerh. And Lion:** *Zoning out* …Huh?

**Dove:** *Sighs* whatever. *Gets on the train*

**Tigerh. (I'm going to Tiger now, because I'm bored…): **Come on dude, let's leave.

**Okay, so this isn't nearly as funny as last time, but I tried. Anyways, review if you want to, flames will be used for evil voodoo purposes *coughs* I mean, totally non evil things, and constructive criticism is welcome. Fish are fun, and many references will make more sense if you watch A Very Potter Musical and Sequel… **

**Peace, love, and Michael Crichton,**

**Bumblekat & Starfall**


End file.
